Grief

They say there are 5 stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  In the past 24 hours, I have experienced all these stages many times over, sometimes changing emotions every 5 minutes.  I get extremely angry, and then depressed, and then I’m accepting of what happened, and then I get angry again.  It seems they have left out guilt as a stage, although I believe each of us, with the loss of a loved one, feels some sense of guilt.  And forgetfulness… I think forgetfulness should be a stage.  Or maybe that’s just a side effect.

aquafest-and-garden-028

You see, early Wednesday morning, my mother passed away.  She was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with a GI bleed, refused to get it treated, and it ended her life.

The infamous shaving incident

My sister, me, Mom, my brother standing — 1971 or 1972?

I’m angry… she didn’t have to die.  She could’ve been treated at the initial onset of this, and by now, she’d be at home and recovered, stronger and better off for getting every single test known to man performed on her.  Her heart was always strong.  It was never about her heart. She literally bled to death.

20160921_135618-1.jpg

Mom — 1975

I’m depressed… this one is obvious.  I will never see my mother again… at least in this life.  I will never talk to her again.  She won’t be there to reminisce with, go over memories with, share life stories with.  She will never see her grandson turn into the amazing person he is becoming. (And now, I’m back to angry).

20160922_112953-1.jpg

My sister Angela, Mom, Me — 1993

Guilt… this is a hard one because I couldn’t do anything to help her.  I was powerless because she still was a competent adult.  Only when she was too weak to get up could I get her some help, but by then, it was too late.  She had lost too much blood.

pics-from-ravenswood-293

Mom and AJ

Acceptance… she knowingly chose this path.  I knew it would kill her the minute we left the hospital the first time.  I had to accept that this was her life, this was what she wanted, I had to respect her wishes… I had no choice.  I accept that she is gone now by her choice, but again, this leads back to anger.  How could she be so selfish?  Or am I the one being selfish for wanting her to be alive?

img_20160115_091008

I woke up this morning feeling empty, like part of my soul was gone.  The loneliness set in, because I realized she was no longer there.  Then I opened my eyes and saw James lying next to me.  And after I woke my son up for school, I realized… I am truly blessed.

Losing someone you love will send you on an emotional roller coaster from hell.  I imagine this ride will last for quite some time, but I am thankful to have my family to help me get through it. I’d like to share a memory of my mother with you.  She was a great piano player.  I’m sure my love of all things music stemmed from her.  She would play the piano, and my sister and I would sit with her and sing all the songs she played.  It is one of the happiest memories I have of my childhood.  The following is one of our favorite songs that we loved to sing together while my mother played.  If you get a chance, take a listen… it just might make you smile.  This is what we did for fun in the olden days.  😀

As well… in honor of my mother and for Motivational Music Monday, I will choose one of her favorite songs.  She used to call this her theme song.

Please let your loved ones know just how much they mean to you today… tomorrow may very well be too late.

122 thoughts on “Grief

  1. Alittlebitoutoffocus

    Hi Paula. So, so sorry to hear about your mom. I’m sure there are lots of other emotions that you’ll go through, but I’m equally sure that you will survive and be stronger for it too. Only this past weekend I was back home in the UK visiting my dad and clearing out some of my mum’s old stuff – 2 and a half years after she passed away. It was certainly easier to do than it would have been even 12 months ago. We never forget our mom’s ! My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. Alittlebitoutoffocus

        Yes, it must be very difficult, especially so soon afterwards. I was grateful that my sister did most of the immediate tidying up. But there was still some stuff in my dad’s lounge which was just as she left it. I’m not sure if it was re-assuring for my dad to see it there or not, but I thought it was about time it was removed. We also cleared out some drawers which was quite exciting in a way. I was finding things that were obviously very special to my mum – like some old black and white pictures of her brothers. I also found a medal which she was given for her work in the land army during the war. We’ll be keeping that for sure and handing it down the generations. Some things are too special to throw away.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. mariegriffith

    Oh Paula I am so sorry. This was certainly sudden. I’m glad that you are writing about it and thinking of the sweet memories of your mother and the blessings in your life. There is no perfect way to grieve…..every one has a unique journey with it. Be patient with yourself. My mom passed last year. Thoughts of her will come suddenly and bring a smile to my face….sometimes tears come. Either way, I cherish the memories.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Marie. You lost both your parents relatively close together, didn’t you. Well, I’m not sure you ever said that, but that was the impression I got. I did want to ask you that before, but I never wanted to intrude. Anyway, again, thank you so much.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. neveradullbling Post author

        Thank you so much. And I’m so very sorry about your parents, so close together. It hurts and I feel it. God bless you. (Sorry if I’m bringing up buried emotions, but thank you so much for your support, I truly appreciate it.)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Janet wilson

    Dear Paula grief comes in all forms, remember our loved ones walk beside us and live on in our hearts. I know and I often know when my Mum is with me when I’m baking as she was a wonderful cook. Yes even now I miss them both so very much. It does get better. Love Jx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. watermark17

    Paula,
    I am so sorry about the loss of your Mother. I cannot imagine the amount of pain that you must be feeling. Grief is necessary for healing so take your sweet time. Thank you for sharing the pictures of your mother and your family. It was beautiful to see how you all grew up together through the years. I am glad you have your friends and family as a support system through this trying time. I am keeping you in my prayers and hoping things will get better. Xoxoxo.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. watermark17

        Hang in there Paula. I know that it is not easy. I don’t think you are selfish at all for being upset and wishing she was still here. I would be upset too. You can keep her spirit alive by telling her story. She was a very beautiful woman and you are carrying on her legacy. Xoxoxo.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Lucy

    I lost my grandfather the month before I started my weighloss journey. Spending the 9 days that I spent with him, knowing that they would be his last, was a big part of what changed me. I’m so sorry for your loss! I don’t think we are ever the same after we lose someone (just as we are never the same after having someone in our lives). Thank you for sharing, and know that I’m thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you Christina. I really appreciate your kindness. May I just say I’m so sorry for your loss as well? It may have been 2 years already, but you’re too young (IMO) to lose your mother, and I truly feel sad because you have.

      Like

      Reply
  6. Rebecca Royy

    Hello…sorry for your loss. I sensed from your last post about her that you knew what was coming. I will keep you and your family in my prayers –Becky

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers. Yeah, you would be right… I did know and I hated it. I actually told James when we got home from the hospital that very first time that it was “the beginning of the end,” so I spent the next week mentally preparing for what was to come. But again… thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Greatly appreciated!! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  7. Susan Leighton

    Paula- I am so sorry to hear about your Mom passing. I do understand how you feel. My mother passed away four years ago and reading your moving blog took me back. I wish I could tell you there was a magical elixir that would lessen the grief and anger you are feeling. Your family will help you through this time. Thank you for posting this piece. I wish you nothing but peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  8. SlowRunnerGirl

    So sorry to read this. Sending hugs and love from across the sea. You are so strong and have James and AJ to get through this.
    Thanks that despite what you are going through, you think of others and I will make sure I call my mom today and let her know how much she means to me.
    I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  9. tyronepierre

    Your post really moved me, I’m so sorry about your loss and really wish that I had advice to offer that could help.

    This post made me remember the important things in life and to treasure the people in our lives.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. wanderwolf

    Dear Paula,
    I am so sorry. After you last posted about your mother, I was sure, judging from your positive address of her illness, that she would get through this. I guess, that wasn’t totally unrealistic, given her theme song. What a storing, beautiful woman! There’s so much of her in you! Thank you for sharing something’s about her life with us and also how you’re feeling about this. I couldn’t imagine being able to write about it so soon…I can imagine that having James and AJ with you helps, and working through the different emotions in writing helps. I think there are probably some emotions no one has ever made a word for yet. I wish you less anger and guilt (it’s definitely not your fault in any way- she made her choices and your respected them- you also couldn’t know it was so bad, the doctors would have told you she had to stay if it was). I wish you strength and many happy memories. And yes, I will make sure I tell those I love that I love them, as often as I can.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Dorothea, for your wonderful message. Yeah, the positive address of her illness was the combination of hope and denial, that I could be wrong, but deep down I knew I wasn’t. Yes, the doctors knew how bad she was, but they can’t keep someone against their will. She signed out of the hospital against medical advice (AMA). That’s why I always knew the bleed was going to kill her. Thank you so much for all your loving wishes. I do truly appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. wanderwolf

        Paula, I didn’t realize it was AMA… that’s really scary and I can understand why you had no choice but to be in denial or try to be positive about it. I can also understand if there’s anger if you feel your mother was foolish.
        Now, I always feel like writing more, but you can also tell me to back off- everyone goes through grief differently and I can’t assume to know how you’re feeling. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this, but you’re strong and despite there maybe being periods where you don’t believe that yourself or wish people would stop saying that, it’s a part of you! Just like your sense of humor and positivity. I also wish I could give you more than words, but I’m also glad if they do help a little.
        My very very best, and an imaginary hug, since a real hug is what I’d like to give you if we could meet.
        Now, I hope you get a good night’s rest (as if one can, before a race!) and kick butt on the course tomorrow!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. neveradullbling Post author

        I’m frustrated. I replied to your comment last night, but I don’t know why it didn’t save. It was very heartfelt too, so even more frustrating.

        Anyway, I really appreciate what you said. And I know one day we’ll meet (Miami Marathon, after all, hehe), so I’ll take that hug then. In the meantime, the virtual hug works super great for right now. 😀

        We didn’t get a good night’s sleep (surprise, surprise), but still, we conquered! I hope you had a great time at the marathon and I’ll look forward to hearing all about it!

        Again, thanks Dorothea! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      3. wanderwolf

        Oh no! I hate when one loses the things one wrote! Especially if they were hard to formulate the first time around. But thank you for reply! and yes, I have to make sure I’m in Miami when you run it! (I’ll tell you though, Ft. Lauderdale is a pretty good one, too).
        I can’t wait to read your recaps and in the meantime wish you a good start to the week.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. mawil1

    Hi Paula, I was so sorry to hear about your mum. It must be difficult, having to stand by whilst she made her own decisions when you felt that she was making the wrong choices.
    I did love to see the pictures of her though, seeing her as a young, beautiful, fashionable woman in 1975 gives her an identity as a real person, not just the mother of someone who writes a blog🙂 Sending love to you and James, and especially to AJ, because I know how much my son misses his gran. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Julie! And I’m glad you enjoyed the pictures. Yes, she was extremely fashionable in her day, loved to dress “proper.” She spent a year in the UK and Paris, and she always loved the way the ladies looked over there, always tried to replicate them. That picture of her in jeans was rare… she only liked to wear trousers or skirts, never jeans. When my sister and I were young, we had a great time playing dress-up with her wardrobe. Anyway, thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts. They are much appreciated! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  12. benjaminpeach

    Oh my…it was so sudden. My condolences Paula. I am so sorry to hear this news. I had a passing in my family this week as well. It’s never easy. In fact it’s hard. Very hard. Take time. Breathe. Like you said be so very thankful for all of the love that surrounds you. Please take care. Hang in there. Lots of love from all the bog friends!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Aww, Ben, I’m so sorry you suffered a loss as well. It’s just awful. I so greatly appreciate your kind words and lovely thoughts, especially knowing you’re going through the same thing. You hang in there as well… hugs to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  13. theshortdistancerunner

    So so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to that feeling of anger. I lost my Dad in 2009 and he passed well before his time due to some stubborn decisions regarding his medical treatment. But he was strong-willed and that’s what made him the man he was. With me the anger subsided after time. Sending prayers for your Mom, and you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. lynne hoareau

    Paula, I am so terribly sorry to read about the loss of your mom. I can only imagine what you are going through, all those emotions…I am so sorry. I know it is not easy, and my heart truly goes out to you.
    My mom passed away 13 years ago, and my dad 19 years ago, and I still feel the emptiness. I still feel some form of guilt, and memories are still with me.
    Hang in there, take each day as it comes, and know there are no right or wrong way to deal with death. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Ohh, thank you so much Lynne. I really do appreciate your very kind thoughts. It’s all so very hard to deal with, and I’m so sorry your parents have been gone for such a long time, and yet, I’m sure the memories seem like they’re from just yesterday. Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. They are so greatly appreciated! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  15. Lady G

    Paula, my friend, when you made that comment on my blog about that post that I did I prayed to myself that you were not referring to this. That being the case I totally procrastinated coming over because I just didn’t want your message to be about your mom’s passing.
    I really didn’t want that to be the case though I had a gut feeling that it was.
    As you know from reading my blog, my Mama is gone; she left us in the Fall of 2012. So I’ve been there–through all those stages and I go back through each one of them from time to time. My children were VERY close to my mom and they took it really hard. Especially my son. So I understand your feelings about how this will affect your baby.
    Paula, I’ll be honest, while it does get a little better you will have those times when you feel overwhelmed with grief. And when you need to you should take the time to cry.
    But do this:
    When you are ready, write about her. Write about her. Write about her.
    Tell us all of those great stories that you remember. As you know, I do that all the time. It’s my way of remembering Mama— before I start to forget.
    I also do that for my children so that they can remember her too.
    On that note, I’ll close but I did want to say one more thing.
    My Mama was the reason for my love of music. When I was just a toddler she used to play, “Someday we’ll be together” by Diana Ross and the Supremes. We would sing it together.
    I haven’t listened to it since she died but I might listen to it tonight as a show of solidarity with you and all the other people here who are missing their loved ones-especially their mothers.
    I have no doubt at all that we will all be together-someday.
    All my love to you my friend.
    Gwin.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Awww, Gwin, such a special message from you, thank you so much. I knew you’d understand my comment on your post once you knew what had happened. I found it so very interesting and eerie that I absolutely could not open your post email. Mom was still alive when you posted, but I was always directed elsewhere when I was going to read your post… until the morning, basically hours, after she passed. And then I understood why I could finally read what you had to say. There’s a message in there somewhere… but I’m not ready to receive it yet.

      As for your mama… “Someday We’ll Be Together,”… wow. How very special. You do remember she’s my hero, right?! 🙂 Yes… we will all be together one day… and I truly believe that as well. I actually believe we’ve always been together and connected… I don’t know how, I don’t know why… maybe it’s a DNA/science thing, I don’t know… or spiritual… I actually prefer the spiritual aspect myself…

      Ohhh, anyway Gwin… thank you for your loving thoughts. And thank you for your post. And many thanks to cousin Ron as well for Sunday’s lesson… as the only thing I could focus on while reading his question was eternal life… because I knew, I knew, I knew.

      God bless you and much love. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Lady G

        God Bless you too Paula! And yes, you have always been a huge supporter of my ‘Mama.’ Which is one of the many reasons why I feel so compelled to let you know that I am here to offer that same support right back to you.
        May you and yours be blessed. We’re all here for you friend🌷
        BTW, like you, I believe that we always have been together (and always will be) as there is no such thing as ‘linear time’ as we know it in heaven.
        There’s only the eternal present moment and we’re all in it-though not on the same level.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Pingback: Monthly Goals Check - August | 50 in 50 Marathon Quest

  17. leggypeggy

    Oh Paula. So sorry to hear about your mum. What a pity she was unwilling to receive treatment. No wonder you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. I can understand how anger would rise to the surface quite regularly.
    A friend lost her husband two years ago. He hid the fact he was feeling unwell and didn’t seek medical attention until it was way too late. I wish she’d get angry at him because I don’t think she’ll ever fully deal with the grief until she does.
    And it never really gets easier, but the brain gets distracted and the thoughts don’t remain so all consuming. Good memories start to take over too. Dad was killed in a car accident in 1967. Mum, who spent the last 10 years of her life at death’s door, died in 1998. Never forgotten and always loved.
    Sending endless streams of hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Peggy! Yes, I believe your friend does need to get angry in order to heal. While spending time at my mother’s yesterday, I realized just how much she hid the truth about her health to me. So then I got angrier, and I also started in on the “If only…”
      I can’t imagine what you must’ve gone through the last few years of your mum’s life. Very stressful. I’m so sorry.
      Thank you so much for sharing with me. Your thoughts and hugs are very comforting!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. leggypeggy

        My mother had such excellent health care, and lived at least four years longer than she would have otherwise. So we all cherish those times. At least twice a year from 1994 to 1998, one of my sisters would call me in Australia and say ‘Come quick, mom’s dying’. Wow, those were long flights home to Nebraska. On the second trip in 1997, mom was in hospital for the whole two weeks I was there. We had a good time together. I slept in a recliner in her room, ate meals in the hospital cafeteria and got to know the staff so well that I was invited to the grand opening of the new morgue.

        I hope through your grief, you find things to laugh about because I think that’s part of healing too.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. neveradullbling Post author

        Ohmigoodness! Grand opening of a morgue! Hahaha, did you go? That’s awesome! But I can’t imagine those long flights with nothing but worry, how horrible. Hearing everyone else’s stories is really what’s helping me now. However, my husband and I have been clearing out her apartment, and we’ve actually had some good giggles about her, so yeah, I guess that has helped too. Thank you Peggy. You’ve made me smile. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  18. acbrandt

    I’m just catching up on my blogs and saw this. I’m so sorry and my tears and thoughts are for you and your family tonight. I lost my dad several years ago and it’s…hard isn’t the word. There isn’t a word. I think you’re accurate in saying forgetfulness should be a stage of grief. When you lose someone like that, you live in a bubble for awhile, and the world revolves without you. It takes awhile to find your footing again.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thanks Alyson. I so appreciate your kind thoughts. A bubble is a great description because that’s what it feels like absolutely. I’m sorry you lost your Dad way too soon. Sometimes I just hate the circle of life.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  19. neveradullbling Post author

    Yes, the words really do help me and have helped me, so no, I won’t tell you to back off. ;D So thank you for them! We’ll meet one day, and I’ll take that hug then! And thank you for your wonderful message! Yes, time for me to “try” to shut it down, and probably time for you to get out there and help those runners along! Have a great time! 😀

    Like

    Reply
  20. zwanjay

    Paula,

    I’m sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. I have not yet experienced anything like this, so I won’t pretend to know what to say. All I can offer you is the reassurance that a piece of your mom lives on in you, your siblings, and even your son. Everyone who comes from her lineage has some uniquely special characteristic of your mom’s that they carry with them, and when you all are together — spending time as a family — all the pieces are there, and she is in the midst. In the coming weeks, months, and years, look for this special pieces in your family . . . some will be visible right away, and some will make themselves apparent when you least expect it. Whenever and however those little flashes of your mom show up in your life, I hope they bring you comfort, I hope they bring you peace, and most of all, I hope they bring you joy.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you Zwanjay, so very much. Such a beautiful message, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I will take your words to heart and will definitely watch for the special pieces. My sister and I have actually been having fun reminiscing about special little things that pop into our heads here and there that we may have otherwise forgotten, so that has brought a smile to our faces. Again, thank you so very much for your lovely comment. It was very comforting. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  21. The Happy Healthy Kiwi

    I feel awful hitting the like button on this post but it was a lovely tribute to your mother with the photos and your words. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy and you will feel what you feel, for as long as it takes and that’s okay. I don’t think either of you are selfish for what you wanted, you both have your reasons for feeling this way. Very sorry to hear about your loss xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Katie! Yes, you’re right… neither one of us were selfish… and I recognize that, even if only a little bit right now. If she was done with life, I can’t fault her, nor blame her. I’ll get there, I do know that (forgiving both her and myself). Again, thank you. Your kind thoughts are so greatly appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  22. artisticsharon

    Paula, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I’ve been out of town and just now catching up on my blog feeds – I can’t believe she wouldn’t let you help her and I can’t even fathom what you’re going through; only that it must be very difficult. It most certainly was her decision but that doesn’t make it any easier to grapple with. You are so very blessed to have a wonderful husband and son and I’m sure many other family members and friends who love you; and you have us, your blogging community. I’m sending up a very special prayer for peace and comfort for you & your family. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Sharon. I truly am blessed to have James and AJ. They help me to realize and focus on all that is good. I’m also blessed to have great blogging friends such as you. Yours and everyone’s support and wonderful comments has helped me to get through this. I am truly grateful. And prayers are always appreciated. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  23. tessa tells all

    Lovely Paula,

    Lady G wrote about your loss in her post. I am a little late to your page, but please know you are in my thoughts. I lost my mother on New Years Day 2015, and my father four months ago. I know what grief feels like…and my heart goes out to you.
    My mother and I spent 3 nights alone in her hospital room just before she passed. Just she and I. It was very special. The song that reminds me of that time is The Beach Boys, “In My Room.”
    Hold on to your memories. Peace be with you
    Tessa

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Hi Tessa. Wow, what a special time you and your mom had before she passed. I know you are grateful for having those last days and moments. My mother was crashing when I walked into her hospital room, but they managed to bring her back for an hour so we could have a little time together before she passed, so I know exactly how much that meant to you. But I am sorry you lost your parents so close together. That is super hard.

      I so appreciate you stopping by to share your story with me. It’s very comforting and I greatly appreciate it. It makes me realize that I am not alone and it just helps tremendously.

      Again, thank you! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. tessa tells all

        Paula, I apologize for my late response. I have been traveling all week. Thank you so much for your sweet response. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
        I do hope you are doing okay. Take time to take care of you.
        All my best to you and yours…

        Liked by 1 person

  24. jacquelineobyikocha

    Oh dear! I am so sorry about your loss Paula. Losing a loved one is a tough call. I know can imagine the emotional roller coaster. It’s not going to be easy, but from someone who lost a wonderful father three years ago, the beautiful memories of your time together will help. I wish you well and you look a whole lot like your mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Jackie. It’s been a hard week/month, and I’m looking forward to the time when the good memories will replace the nightmare of this past month. In the meantime, I am truly grateful for your kind thoughts. They really do help. Xoxo

      Like

      Reply
  25. Chocolaterunsjudy

    Paula, I am so sad for you. I can’t imagine how hard this has been, and I know I would be so angry because it just didn’t have to happen. But it did, so allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. It’s the only way forward.

    I’m pretty sure my parents are going through this with their move (mostly denial, quite frankly).

    I sometimes wonder why it seems the ones we love hurt us the most. I guess it’s because we care so much. Big hugs. And never forget your mom will always be in your heart. I bet you also see her when you look in the mirror — I don’t look like my mom at all. Got most of my looks from my father’s side.

    And lastly, that hair! Oh my goodness. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      The hair was something else, wasn’t it, lol. Thank you so much Judy! It’s been a week now, and I’m not near as angry as I was. Now I’m starting to go through the “what if” scenarios, so that kind of sucks, but I know I have to roll with it. Your loving comment is healing, it truly is. Thank you so much.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  26. SpiritualJourney17

    I’m so sorry for your moms passing. It’s not easy to deal with when you’re not ready to let her go. I know how hard it is. My dad passed away almost 2 years ago but I see him in my dreams. Hopefully you will see/talk to her in your dreams too. Glad you were able to share your story with us. Much love and a big hug to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I really appreciate it. I do believe I’ll see her in my dreams one day, but not until I’m ready and past being so angry with her. But then again, she always had a different agenda than everyone else… although I do believe she has some unfinished business with people on the other side to deal with first before she gets to me.
      I’m very sorry about your father. I do hope it’s getting easier for you to deal with each day. Hugs to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  27. Art at Hand

    Paula, I was just catching up with your blog. Oh my gosh, I didn’t know about your mom! I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope over time, the loving memories of your mom bring you peace and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  28. Dany Slone

    so sorry to hear about your mum, I’ve just lost my nan and it is heartbreaking. your mind goes round and round through those stages mentioned. it’s hard to take in that the people who die won’t breathe again, won’t laugh, won’t love…until the next life. my heart goes out to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      Thank you so much Dany! What a beautiful comment, and I do so appreciate it! I am sorry for your loss as well. I guess we’ll have our good days and bad days, but hopefully soon we’ll have more good than bad. Xoxo

      Like

      Reply
  29. kiyanamcnealourangel

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I understand how much pain you are in. I recently lost my 4 year old stepdaughter. She was viciously attacked by a doberman. I am consumed with all the same emotions you described. Kiyana’s dad and I deal with grief differently. He’s buried himself in his music. I need to express how I feel or I fear I will never see the sunshine again. I started a blog to memorialize our short life together and bring awareness to others. I know you miss you mom and I miss Kiyana so much. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone and I pray that you find peace in your time of grief.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. neveradullbling Post author

      I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’re going through. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing my child, and I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that through your blogging, you are able to find the peace, comfort, and support you need. Let it all out. This is your safe place and the blogging community is so very supportive. Again, I’m so sorry. Bless you and your family. Xoxo

      Like

      Reply
      1. kiyanamcnealourangel

        Thank you so much. It is a pain that is indescribable. We just go through the motions, but try hard to move forward because we know that is what she would want. I do feel blogging will allow me to share my thoughts opening and honestly, and hopefully my experience will help another stepmom or parent one day with their own struggle.

        Liked by 1 person

  30. jalentz

    I am so very sorry for you loss. I would just like to reach through this virtual world and give you the greatest hug right now. My heart breaks for you. I’m not sure what else I could say that hasn’t already been said by others here. Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  31. runawaywidow

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I have gone through the loss of my dad and my husband. You only get one mom and that must be awful. You will continue to juggle those stages for a while. There is no real order. Sending prayers for you and your son.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s