They say there are 5 stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  In the past 24 hours, I have experienced all these stages many times over, sometimes changing emotions every 5 minutes.  I get extremely angry, and then depressed, and then I’m accepting of what happened, and then I get angry again.  It seems they have left out guilt as a stage, although I believe each of us, with the loss of a loved one, feels some sense of guilt.  And forgetfulness… I think forgetfulness should be a stage.  Or maybe that’s just a side effect.

You see, early Wednesday morning, my mother passed away.  She was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with a GI bleed, refused to get it treated, and it ended her life.

My sister, me, Mom, my brother standing — 1971 or 1972?

I’m angry… she didn’t have to die.  She could’ve been treated at the initial onset of this, and by now, she’d be at home and recovered, stronger and better off for getting every single test known to man performed on her.  Her heart was always strong.  It was never about her heart. She literally bled to death.

Mom — 1975

I’m depressed… this one is obvious.  I will never see my mother again… at least in this life.  I will never talk to her again.  She won’t be there to reminisce with, go over memories with, share life stories with.  She will never see her grandson turn into the amazing person he is becoming. (And now, I’m back to angry).

My sister Angela, Mom, Me — 1993

Guilt… this is a hard one because I couldn’t do anything to help her.  I was powerless because she still was a competent adult.  Only when she was too weak to get up could I get her some help, but by then, it was too late.  She had lost too much blood.

Mom and AJ

Acceptance… she knowingly chose this path.  I knew it would kill her the minute we left the hospital the first time.  I had to accept that this was her life, this was what she wanted, I had to respect her wishes… I had no choice.  I accept that she is gone now by her choice, but again, this leads back to anger.  How could she be so selfish?  Or am I the one being selfish for wanting her to be alive?

I woke up this morning feeling empty, like part of my soul was gone.  The loneliness set in, because I realized she was no longer there.  Then I opened my eyes and saw James lying next to me.  And after I woke my son up for school, I realized… I am truly blessed.

Losing someone you love will send you on an emotional roller coaster from hell.  I imagine this ride will last for quite some time, but I am thankful to have my family to help me get through it. I’d like to share a memory of my mother with you.  She was a great piano player.  I’m sure my love of all things music stemmed from her.  She would play the piano, and my sister and I would sit with her and sing all the songs she played.  It is one of the happiest memories I have of my childhood.  The following is one of our favorite songs that we loved to sing together while my mother played.  If you get a chance, take a listen… it just might make you smile.  This is what we did for fun in the olden days.  😀

As well… in honor of my mother and for Motivational Music Monday, I will choose one of her favorite songs.  She used to call this her theme song.

Please let your loved ones know just how much they mean to you today… tomorrow may very well be too late.